The Goodfather
Revised Script - 5/20/76
(Donated to the site by actress Dianne Kay)

THE KIDS FROM C.A.P.E.R.
"The Goodfather"

Written by
Romeo Muller

ALAN LANDSBURG PRODUCTIONS
in association with
DON KIRSHNER PRODUCTIONS
9200 Sunset Boulevard
Los Angeles, California 90069

SHOW #804

CAST

Regulars:
DOC (Dianne has written in pencil: "leader, flirt, Groucho, comedian")
DOOMSDAY (Dianne has written in pencil: "gloomy - unlucky")
P.T. (Dianne has written in pencil: "polite, animal nut, carries violin, nice")
BUGS (Dianne has written in pencil: "Zaplish, powerful, Paula likes best")
VINTON
KLINSINGER

For this show:
PAULA
GOODFATHER (Dianne has written in pencil: "bad good guy")
TRAFFIC COP
STOREKEEPER
BINGO BIGG (Dianne has written in pencil: "Bad guy")

Extras:
POLICEMEN
TWO HOODS

A BRIEF NOTE ON "ZAPLISH"

Zaplish, Bugs' language, is fairly easy to speak -- although almost impossible to read.

We start with an English word and add an AZ sound before every vowel sound. Therefore Bugs would be pronounced Bazugs. Doc would be pronounced Dazoc.

However, if the word ends in a vowel sound, the word zap is added. Therefore, Doomsday would be Dazoom-dazay-zap. P.T. would be Pazee-Tazee-zap.

Remember -- the AZ sound and the ZAP are only used when there are vowel sounds. If the word has a silent vowel they are not used at all. For instance, the word "pipe" would be pronounced "pazipe" not "pazipezap" -- since the final e is silent.

A typical C.A.P.E.R. sentence -- "Go back to the Baloney!" would become -- "Gazozap bazak tazoozap thazeezap Bazalazonazeezap!"

You’ll find it easier to say -- than to read. I suggest having the actors look at the translations and work it out from there.

******

"ZAPOLOGY" -- an ancient Eastern religion from ancient Zapland

"ZAPIDATION" -- Zapological meditation.

Variations -- "Bug is Zapadating." "He has Zapadated." "I’m going to Zapadate."

"ZAPLISH" -- The Zapology language, as explained above.

"Gazurazuzap" -- Zaplish for Guru. A small, funny-looking carved head with great bulging eyes, which Bugs always carries in his pocket. When Zapadating, he holds it up and stares at it -- almost going into a trance.

C.A.P.E.R. - "The Goodfather" - Rev. 5/20/76

FADE IN:

COLOR LIMBO

DOC
The code this week is "Goodness
wins."  So mind your manners.

EXT. POLICE STATION - ESTABLISHING - DAY

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MAIN ROOM OF POLICE STATION

CAMERA PANS officers at desks, etc.  In the f.g. (foreground), a young meter maid in uniform -- PAULA -- is pouring coins from a small container into large flour-type sacks that are already quite full.

CAMERA MOVES IN for shot of door to "C.A.P.E.R. ROOM."

SOUND: Pounding and wrenching noises from inside.

Door opens and admits us --

INT. C.A.P.E.R. ROOM - MED. LONG SHOT - THE KIDS

seated at table working with hammers and screwdrivers, etc.  Bugs is zapadating with his Gazu-razuzap.

DOC
C’mon, gang!  Straighten out
those pins!  Our cops can’t enforce the
law if their badges keep falling off.

DIFFERENT ANGLE - FRAME DOOR

Paula, a pretty teenage Meter Maid in a cute uniform, comes in looking perplexed.

PAULA
(exhausted)
Whew! Can anybody help me?  Nobody in
the squad room thought I have a problem.

SHOT OF KIDS

DOC, P.T. and DOOMSDAY look up, do takes, leap to feet and start off.  Bugs stays with his zapadating.

SHOT OF PAULA

Doc rushes up.

DOC
I’m available!

PAULA
I’m confused!

DOC
I’m Doc!

Doomsday and P.T. rush up, bumping into Doc and tumbling all over themselves.

DOOMSDAY
I’m Doomsday!

P.T.
I’m P.T.!

SHOT OF BUGS AT TABLE

concentrating on his Gazurazap.

BUGS
(in "Zaplish")
AzI’m Bazugs!

BACK TO GROUP (P.T., DOC, PAULA, DOOMSDAY)

DOC
That’s Zaplish.  He means "I’m Bugs."

PAULA
You’re Bugs?

DOC
No, I’m Doc.

PAULA
I’m Paula.

DOC
I’m delighted!

DOOMSDAY
(glum)
I’m worried.

P.T.
I’m polite.

He pulls chair out from under table and indicates that Paula sit down.  She starts to sit, looks down at chair and lets out a shriek.

PAULA
(points at chair)
I’m terrified!

SHOT OF CHAIR SEAT

A rather homely turtle gawks up at us.

FULL SHOT - KIDS AND PAULA

P.T. picks up turtle and pets it, explains --

P.T.
I’m an animal nut.  His name is Harold.
Go ahead, sit.  He can stay on your lap.

PAULA
(uneasy)
I’m dubious.

DOC
I’m inventive.  Harold can have
my chair and I’ll take the lap.
(laughs and wiggles eyes a la Groucho)
Ha-ha-ha-ah-ha-ha --

PAULA
Cool it.

DOC
(deflating)
I’m cooled.

DIFFERENT ANGLE - PAULA AND DOOMSDAY

PAULA
(written in pencil "Seriously")
Perhaps you can help me?

DOOMSDAY
(glum)
Oh, I doubt it but I’ll try --

She walks right past him, out of FRAME.  He does take.

DOOMSDAY
(continuing)
Walked right past me. I guess
I’m basically drab and colorless.

SHOT OF BUGS AT TABLE

Paula walks up to him.

PAULA
You look like a take-charge guy.
(Written in pencil "Kiss")

MED. SHOT

All rush to table.

NEW ANGLE

BUGS
(to Paula)
What seems to be your problem?

FULL SHOT - PAULA AND THE KIDS

Paula takes a deep breath and rattles off her problem before she loses it.

PAULA
Well, I put the little ones into
the big ones just like I always do.
(written in pencil - "P.T.’s slower")

DOC
(reassuringly)
Of course.

PAULA
But there were so many more little ones
than there usually were that the big ones
got bigger than they’d ever been.

P.T.
(he doesn’t get it either)
Naturally!

PAULA
So if you would just give me a hand with them.

DOC
You’ve come to the right place . . .
(he bows)
At your service, ma’am.

Paula turns and heads for the squad room.  The kids follow.

INT. SQUAD ROOM - TWO LARGE FILLED SACKS ON THE FLOOR

Kids and Paula enter the shot.

PAULA
(pointing to sacks)
There’s my problem.

DOC
No problem.

He tries to pick up one of the sacks.  He can’t.

CLOSE SHOT - BUGS

goes into his zapadation routine.  Then moves to sacks.

FULL SHOT - THE KIDS, PAULA AND BUGS

Bugs lifts up each sack with two fingers and carries them easily into C.A.P.E.R. room as kids and Paula trail him.

PAULA
Wow!

INT. CAPER ROOM - CLOSE SHOT

as Bugs, followed by kids and Paula, brings sacks to table and drops them on it -- CLUNK!  Table collapses.

DOC
Those sacks must weigh a ton.
What have you got in there?

PAULA
(written in pencil "Matter of factly")
Coins!  Pennies, nickels, dimes --
you see, I’m a meter maid.  And someone has
been tampering with the town’s parking meters.

DOOMSDAY
They’ve been breaking them
open and stealing the change?

TITLE: "PAY ATTENTION -- HERE COMES THE PROBLEM"

VOICE
(DOC crossed out and "Voice" written in)
Pay attention!  Here comes the
("real" written in) problem!

DIFFERENT ANGLE - KIDS AND PAULA

PAULA
On the contrary -- just the opposite.
Instead of stealing coins -- someone’s been
filling up the meters with pennies and
nickels even when no cars are parked.
(written in pencil "Da da da da da")

DOC, P.T. & DOOMSDAY
(to Paula)
TELL US MORE --

PAULA
(giving them odd look)
Well -- there’s not one red flag
up on any of the town’s meters.

CUT TO:

EXT. EMPTY STREET WITH PARKING METERS

A fellow (GOODFATHER) who looks very much like Brando in the Godfather -- with homburg (editor’s note: hat) and chesterfield (editor’s note: coat), slinks up to a parking meter and -- looking around nervously -- begins to shove coins into the slot.

PAULA (v.o.)
I mean, Wilson Street has been closed
for repairs all week. Not one car was parked
there in all that time -- yet the meters are full!

Goodfather slinks away.

CUT TO:

SHOT OF KIDS AND PAULA

PAULA
The police thought I was imagining things.
Sgt. Vinton said you might be the last resort.
(written in pen "draw out.  Sigh,
said you might be the last resort.")

DOOMSDAY
(glum)
That’s us all right . . .
(written in pen "the court of last resort.")

DOC
Yes, this looks like a job for C.A.P.E.R.!

ALL
THE CIVILIAN AUTHORITY FOR THE
PROTECTION OF EVERYONE - REGARDLESS!!
(Note the use of the word everyone
as opposed to everybody! - Editor)
(strike heroic poses)
TA-DAAAA!!

PAULA
Cool it.

ALL
(deflating)
We’re cooled.

DIFFERENT ANGLE

DOC
It’s almost noon.  We’ll skip lunch
and examine those Wilson Street meters.

DOOMSDAY
(outraged)
Skip lunch? I’ll fight for C.A.P.E.R.!
I’ll die for C.A.P.E.R.! But
I’ll be doggoned if I starve!

DOC
Okay -- okay.  You get pizzas
while we investigate!  Let’s go!

Kids and Paula start out.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. WILSON STREET - ESTABLISHING - LONG SHOT - DAY

An intersection.  One street, Wilson, is blocked off from traffic by "Men Working" signs.  The Baloney is parked on the open street which crosses Wilson.

TIGHTER ANGLE - DOC, P.T., BUGS, PAULA

examining a parking meter.  Paula opens little door and lots of coins fall out, which Bugs catches.

PAULA
You see!  These meters
were empty this morning.

BUGS
Sure are full now!

PAULA
Yet not one car parked here all day!

DOC
As Charlie Chan might say --
(becomes Chan)
"Empty meters full of money.
Aso, something very funny!"

P.T.
He’d never say that.

DOC
He might if he got desperate enough.

BUGS
Where’s Doomsday with those pizzas?

CUT TO:

EXT. ANOTHER STREET

DOOMSDAY
Funny you should ask.

Walking down sidewalk carrying large pizza box.  His face looks tragic and he sings glumly.

DOOMSDAY
"Keep on smiling, ‘cuz when you’re
smiling, The whole world smiles with you --
(gloomy)
What a revolting thought that is.

Suddenly the Goodfather slinks up behind him and walks along in step.  He pokes his finger in Doomsday’s back.

GOODFATHER
Okay, kid -- this is a stickup.

DOOMSDAY
(frightened)
Just my luck.  Bad as usual.
(puts up hands)
I’ve only got a few cents change.  But
please -- please -- don’t take the pizza.

GOODFATHER
I’m not going to take anything!
This is a reverse stickup!

Doomsday turns to him as the Goodfather starts to empty his own pockets.

GOODFATHER
(real tough; as if he were robbing Doomsday)
Here!  Take my wallet!  No arguments!
And my ring!  And watch!  Wait a minute,
wise guy!  I still got some change!
Take it -- or you’ll be real sorry!

DOOMSDAY
Okay -- okay --

GOODFATHER
Now remember -- anybody asks you
questions -- you don’t know nothing!

He looks around uneasily, then slinks off -- breaking into a desperate run, as if he were a criminal making his getaway after a real holdup.

FAST DISSOLVE TO:

KIDS AND PAULA BY METER

Doomsday comes running up.

DOOMSDAY
Hey!  Wait’ll you hear what happened!

DOC, P.T., AND BUGS
We’re waiting!  What happened!

DOOMSDAY
I hit the jackpot!
(shows all his loot)
I was just held down!

PAULA
Held down?

DOOMSDAY
That’s gotta be the opposite of held
up!  This guy came up to me and --

SOUND: Police sirens.

DIFFERENT ANGLE - FRAME STREET CROSSING WILSON

A squad car goes roaring past.

DOC
It’s Sgt. Vinton!

P.T.
And would you look who’s following!

SHOT OF KLINSINGER ON MOTOR SCOOTER

He putt-putts along, laden with his TV equipment.

Doc, P.T., Doomsday and Bugs come up to him and trot along with him.  He is going so slow that it is easy to keep up.

TRACKING SHOT - KLINSINGER AND KIDS - CAMERA AHEAD OF ACTION

KLINSINGER
Don’t bug me, kids.  I’m on
the trail of a big story.

DOC
What’s happening?

KLINSINGER
None of your business.
Now just go away!  Go ‘way!

P.T.
I know what it is.  The dam broke
and the town is being flooded!

KLINSINGER
It is!

DOOMSDAY
Ohh -- it’s terrible.
Blub-blub-blub!

BUGS
Yeah!
(in Zaplish)
Blazub -- blazub -- blazub!

KLINSINGER
Really?
(pout)
Gee, I was just going to check
out an ordinary bank robbery.

ALL KIDS
Bank robbery?

KLINSINGER
But a dam breaking!  WOW!
THAT’S EVEN BETTER!

KIDS
RIGHT!

The Kids all make an abrupt turn and run off.

CAMERA STAYS with Klinsinger who putt-putts along for a second, then does a huge double-take.

KLINSINGER
THERE’S NO DAM IN SOUTH EASTON!!
OHHHHH -- THOSE BLASTED KIDS!!
(Note the name of the town at this
point is just South Easton! - Editor)

WIDER ANGLE - THE STREET

ZOOOOOM!!  The Baloney, with all the Kids aboard, swiftly passes him.  He runs off the road into a bush, equipment goes flying.

FAST DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. A SMALL SUBURBAN BANK - LONG SHOT - DAY

Vinton in front.  Several cops standing about.  The Big Baloney pulls to a stop in front of the bank.  Kids and Paula pile out and rush up to Vinton.

TIGHTER ANGLE - FRONT OF BANK - VINTON AND KIDS

VINTON
(to kids)
This is crazy!  Instead of stealing
money, the bank robber gave the bank these
money bags and told him to keep them!

He holds up bags with large dollar signs on them.

DOC
Gee -- it’s like crime is running backwards!

VINTON
(nodding yes)
It’s been happening all day.  People come
home to find more stuff in their house
than when they left!  Un-burglary!  Others
find new cars in their driveways.  Un-car-theft!

DOOMSDAY
If everything wasn’t so terrible,
I’d say that sounded wonderful.

VINTON
Wonderful.  There’s no law covering reverse
crime! It’s got us totally confused!  How
would you sentence this un-criminal?

P.T.
Instead of jail he should be sent to a
luxury hotel with all expenses paid!

(Written in pencil: "Goodfather slinks into scene + unpicks Vinton’s pocket")

VINTON
(shudders)
Oh brother --
(puts hand in pocket, surprised; takes out a wallet)
Look at this, will you!
(opens it)
Full of cash!
(bellows)
I NEVER SAW THIS WALLET BEFORE!
(shudders)
While I was standing here -- my pocket was un-picked!
(holds stomach)
Ohhhh!  Here comes Godzilla.
(he walks off)

PAULA
Who’s Godzilla?

P.T.
His pet ulcer.

DIFFERENT ANGLE - KIDS AND PAULA - FOLLOW THEM

They start back to the Baloney.

DOC
We’ve got to break this case for Vinton’s sake!

DOOMSDAY
Who knows?  It might even help his ulcer.

PAULA
(points)
Oh, look!

KIDS’ POV - A BABY CARRIAGE AND THE GOODFATHER

The Goodfather stands with his hands full of lollypops, looking down into the carriage.

PAULA (o.s.)
That man is stealing candy from a baby!

Suddenly a small hand with a toy gun (water pistol) pokes out of the carriage.  The Goodfather drops the lollypops into the carriage.

P.T. (o.s.)
NO!  THE BABY IS
STEALING CANDY FROM HIM!

The Goodfather cries like a baby, then slinks off.

BACK TO KIDS AND PAULA

DOOMSDAY

That’s him! . . . That’s him!

DOC
That’s who?

DOOMSDAY
That’s the guy who held me up.

DOC
After him!  Don’t let him get away!

All pile into the Baloney.

MUSIC UP.

FADE OUT