Script - 5/20/76
to the site by actress Dianne Kay)
KIDS FROM C.A.P.E.R.
in association with
DON KIRSHNER PRODUCTIONS
9200 Sunset Boulevard
Los Angeles, California 90069
has written in pencil: "leader, flirt, Groucho,
has written in pencil: "gloomy - unlucky")
has written in pencil: "polite, animal nut, carries violin,
has written in pencil: "Zaplish, powerful, Paula likes
(Dianne has written in pencil: "bad good guy")
BINGO BIGG (Dianne
has written in pencil: "Bad guy")
BRIEF NOTE ON "ZAPLISH"
Bugs' language, is fairly easy to speak -- although almost
impossible to read.
with an English word and add an AZ sound before every vowel
sound. Therefore Bugs would be pronounced Bazugs. Doc would be
if the word ends in a vowel sound, the word zap is added.
Therefore, Doomsday would be Dazoom-dazay-zap. P.T. would be
-- the AZ sound and the ZAP are only used when there are vowel sounds.
If the word has a silent vowel they are not used at all. For
instance, the word "pipe" would be pronounced "pazipe"
not "pazipezap" -- since the final e is silent.
typical C.A.P.E.R. sentence -- "Go back to the
Baloney!" would become -- "Gazozap bazak tazoozap
find it easier to say -- than to read. I suggest having the
actors look at the translations and work it out from there.
-- an ancient Eastern religion from ancient Zapland
-- Zapological meditation.
-- "Bug is Zapadating." "He has Zapadated."
"Iím going to Zapadate."
-- The Zapology language, as explained above.
-- Zaplish for Guru. A small, funny-looking carved head with
great bulging eyes, which Bugs always carries in his pocket.
When Zapadating, he holds it up and stares at it -- almost going
into a trance.
- "The Goodfather" - Rev. 5/20/76
The code this week is "Goodness
wins." So mind your manners.
POLICE STATION - ESTABLISHING - DAY
MAIN ROOM OF POLICE STATION
PANS officers at desks, etc. In the f.g. (foreground), a
young meter maid in uniform -- PAULA -- is pouring coins from a
small container into large flour-type sacks that are already
MOVES IN for shot of door to "C.A.P.E.R. ROOM."
Pounding and wrenching noises from inside.
opens and admits us --
C.A.P.E.R. ROOM - MED. LONG SHOT - THE KIDS
at table working with hammers and screwdrivers, etc. Bugs
is zapadating with his Gazu-razuzap.
Címon, gang! Straighten out
those pins! Our cops canít enforce the
law if their badges keep falling off.
ANGLE - FRAME DOOR
pretty teenage Meter Maid in a cute uniform, comes in looking
Whew! Can anybody help me? Nobody in
the squad room thought I have a problem.
and DOOMSDAY look up, do takes, leap to feet and start
off. Bugs stays with his zapadating.
and P.T. rush up, bumping into Doc and tumbling all over
BUGS AT TABLE
on his Gazurazap.
GROUP (P.T., DOC, PAULA, DOOMSDAY)
Thatís Zaplish. He means "Iím Bugs."
No, Iím Doc.
chair out from under table and indicates that Paula sit
down. She starts to sit, looks down at chair and lets out
(points at chair)
homely turtle gawks up at us.
SHOT - KIDS AND PAULA
picks up turtle and pets it, explains --
an animal nut. His name is Harold.
Go ahead, sit. He can stay on your lap.
inventive. Harold can have
my chair and Iíll take the lap.
(laughs and wiggles eyes a la Groucho)
ANGLE - PAULA AND DOOMSDAY
(written in pencil "Seriously")
Perhaps you can help me?
Oh, I doubt it but Iíll try --
walks right past him, out of FRAME. He does take.
Walked right past me. I guess
Iím basically drab and colorless.
BUGS AT TABLE
walks up to him.
You look like a take-charge guy.
in pencil "Kiss")
What seems to be your problem?
SHOT - PAULA AND THE KIDS
takes a deep breath and rattles off her problem before she loses
Well, I put the little ones into
the big ones just like I always do.
in pencil - "P.T.ís slower")
But there were so many more little ones
than there usually were that the big ones
got bigger than theyíd ever been.
(he doesnít get it either)
So if you would just give me a hand with them.
Youíve come to the right place . . .
At your service, maíam.
turns and heads for the squad room. The kids follow.
SQUAD ROOM - TWO LARGE FILLED SACKS ON THE FLOOR
Paula enter the shot.
(pointing to sacks)
Thereís my problem.
tries to pick up one of the sacks. He canít.
(shaking his head affectionately)
Problem . . .
(looks to Bugs)
Bugs, youíd better zapadate.
SHOT - BUGS
into his zapadation routine. Then moves to sacks.
SHOT - THE KIDS, PAULA AND BUGS
lifts up each sack with two fingers and carries them easily into
C.A.P.E.R. room as kids and Paula trail him.
CAPER ROOM - CLOSE SHOT
Bugs, followed by kids and Paula, brings sacks to table and drops
them on it -- CLUNK! Table collapses.
Those sacks must weigh a ton.
What have you got in there?
in pencil "Matter of factly")
Coins! Pennies, nickels, dimes --
you see, Iím a meter maid. And someone has
been tampering with the townís parking meters.
Theyíve been breaking them
open and stealing the change?
"PAY ATTENTION -- HERE COMES THE PROBLEM"
crossed out and "Voice" written in)
Pay attention! Here comes the
ANGLE - KIDS AND PAULA
On the contrary -- just the opposite.
Instead of stealing coins -- someoneís been
filling up the meters with pennies and
nickels even when no cars are parked.
in pencil "Da da da da da")
P.T. & DOOMSDAY
TELL US MORE --
(giving them odd look)
Well -- thereís not one red flag
up on any of the townís meters.
EMPTY STREET WITH PARKING METERS
fellow (GOODFATHER) who looks very much like Brando in the
Godfather -- with homburg (editorís note: hat) and chesterfield
(editorís note: coat), slinks up to a parking meter and --
looking around nervously -- begins to shove coins into the slot.
mean, Wilson Street has been closed
for repairs all week. Not one
car was parked
there in all that time -- yet the meters are full!
OF KIDS AND PAULA
police thought I was imagining things.
Sgt. Vinton said you might
be the last resort.
in pen "draw out. Sigh,
said you might be the last
us all right . . .
(written in pen "the court of last
this looks like a job for C.A.P.E.R.!
CIVILIAN AUTHORITY FOR THE
PROTECTION OF EVERYONE - REGARDLESS!!
use of the word everyone
as opposed to everybody! - Editor)
almost noon. Weíll skip lunch
and examine those Wilson Street
lunch? Iíll fight for C.A.P.E.R.!
Iíll die for
Iíll be doggoned if I starve!
-- okay. You get pizzas
while we investigate! Letís go!
and Paula start out.
WILSON STREET - ESTABLISHING - LONG SHOT - DAY
intersection. One street, Wilson, is blocked off from traffic by
"Men Working" signs. The Baloney is parked on the open
street which crosses Wilson.
ANGLE - DOC, P.T., BUGS, PAULA
a parking meter. Paula opens little door and lots of coins fall
out, which Bugs catches.
see! These meters
were empty this morning.
are full now!
not one car parked here all day!
Charlie Chan might say --
meters full of money.
something very funny!"
never say that.
might if he got desperate enough.
Doomsday with those pizzas?
you should ask.
down sidewalk carrying large pizza box. His face looks tragic and
he sings glumly.
on smiling, Ďcuz when youíre
smiling, The whole world smiles
with you --
a revolting thought that is.
the Goodfather slinks up behind him and walks along in step.
pokes his finger in Doomsdayís back.
kid -- this is a stickup.
my luck. Bad as usual.
only got a few cents change. But
please -- please -- donít
take the pizza.
not going to take anything!
This is a reverse stickup!
turns to him as the Goodfather starts to empty his own pockets.
tough; as if he were robbing Doomsday)
Here! Take my wallet! No arguments!
And my ring! And watch! Wait a
wise guy! I still got some change!
Take it -- or
youíll be real sorry!
-- okay --
remember -- anybody asks you
questions -- you donít know nothing!
looks around uneasily, then slinks off -- breaking into a
desperate run, as if he were a criminal making his getaway after a
AND PAULA BY METER
comes running up.
Hey! Waitíll you hear what happened!
P.T., AND BUGS
waiting! What happened!
hit the jackpot!
all his loot)
was just held down!
gotta be the opposite of held
up! This guy came up to me
ANGLE - FRAME STREET CROSSING WILSON
squad car goes roaring past.
would you look whoís following!
OF KLINSINGER ON MOTOR SCOOTER
putt-putts along, laden with his TV equipment.
P.T., Doomsday and Bugs come up to him and trot along with him.
is going so slow that it is easy to keep up.
SHOT - KLINSINGER AND KIDS - CAMERA AHEAD OF ACTION
bug me, kids. Iím on
the trail of a big story.
of your business.
Now just go away! Go Ďway!
know what it is. The dam broke
and the town is being flooded!
-- itís terrible.
-- blazub -- blazub!
I was just going to check
out an ordinary bank robbery.
a dam breaking! WOW!
THATíS EVEN BETTER!
Kids all make an abrupt turn and run off.
STAYS with Klinsinger who putt-putts along for a second, then does
a huge double-take.
NO DAM IN SOUTH EASTON!!
OHHHHH -- THOSE BLASTED KIDS!!
name of the town at this
point is just South Easton! - Editor)
ANGLE - THE STREET
The Baloney, with all the Kids aboard, swiftly passes him. He runs
off the road into a bush, equipment goes flying.
A SMALL SUBURBAN BANK - LONG SHOT - DAY
in front. Several cops standing about. The Big Baloney pulls to a
stop in front of the bank. Kids and Paula pile out and rush up to
ANGLE - FRONT OF BANK - VINTON AND KIDS
is crazy! Instead of stealing
money, the bank robber gave
the bank these
money bags and told him to keep them!
holds up bags with large dollar signs on them.
-- itís like crime is running backwards!
been happening all day. People come
home to find more stuff in
than when they left! Un-burglary! Others
new cars in their driveways. Un-car-theft!
everything wasnít so terrible,
Iíd say that sounded wonderful.
Wonderful. Thereís no law covering reverse
crime! Itís got us totally
would you sentence this un-criminal?
of jail he should be sent to a
luxury hotel with all expenses
in pencil: "Goodfather slinks into scene + unpicks Vintonís
hand in pocket, surprised; takes out a wallet)
at this, will you!
I NEVER SAW THIS WALLET BEFORE!
I was standing here -- my pocket was un-picked!
Ohhhh! Here comes Godzilla.
ANGLE - KIDS AND PAULA - FOLLOW THEM
start back to the Baloney.
got to break this case for Vintonís sake!
knows? It might even help his ulcer.
POV - A BABY CARRIAGE AND THE GOODFATHER
Goodfather stands with his hands full of lollypops, looking down
into the carriage.
man is stealing candy from a baby!
a small hand with a toy gun (water pistol) pokes out of the
carriage. The Goodfather drops the lollypops into the carriage.
NO! THE BABY IS
STEALING CANDY FROM HIM!
Goodfather cries like a baby, then slinks off.
TO KIDS AND PAULA
him! . . . Thatís him!
the guy who held me up.
him! Donít let him get away!
pile into the Baloney.
OF PART ONE